


Shame

by Likiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:05:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likiel/pseuds/Likiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If shame had a face it would be mine, but if it had a home it would be your eyes. Sam and Dean's POV. Spoilers 9x13</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dean

**Author's Note:**

> "Shame" follows the last scene of the episode 9x13. First person talk, each brother's POV. The quote of Shame is inspired by the song "Sick Carousel" - Lifehouse.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

 

**DEAN**

 

 

* * *

 

_There should be at least one place_

_One place in this world I saved_

_Where I can feel perfectly safe._

_Aren’t you supposed to be that place?_

_I forgot, aren’t you that place Brother?_

_My scarred flesh, my warm blood_

_My beating heart, my teardrop_

_My brother._

 

_¤  
_

I’ve been alone for years. I’ve been alone before you were born. I’ve been alone since Mom died. I’ve been alone when Dad and Grief became lovers.  I’ve been alone since I’ve became your father, your mother, your caretaker, your guardian. I’ve been alone since you left. I was alone when you came back. I was alone with you by my side for a long time, Sam.

And then, you came back.

I love you. I don’t know if that kind of love is right or wrong. According to you, it is _so wrong_. But I do know that this kind of love can’t and won’t allow me to let you go. Ever.

It’s not in me. 

In me, Love is holding on for dear life, holding on for you, for your laugh, your joy, your sheer existence. In me, love is holding on for the hope of your love.

It’s been awhile since I felt it.

I shouldn’t hope that you love me in return. I should know better. I know what you feel and it ain’t even close to the ferocity that is my love for you.

I shouldn’t hope that you would love me like that, like you would always want me to be by your side.

I shouldn’t want it, _but God, do I want it._

I’m sorry for stripping myself of everything, my strength, my capacities, my heart, my future. For you.

I’m sorry for needing you more than I need myself, more than I need anyone else.

I’m sorry for valuing your life above everyone and everything. Including innocent people and morality.

I’m sorry for believing that maybe, just maybe, after everything we went through together, a small part of you, would want to live for me.

Just for me.

I’m sorry that selling my soul for you was so easy to do.

I’m sorry that my forty years in hell aren’t enough of a sacrifice, aren’t enough for you to stay.

I’m sorry that leaving Ben and Lisa means nothing to you.

I’m sorry that giving you your soul, your _beautiful soul_ , back wasn’t the right thing to do.

I’m sorry for damning Adam to an eternity in hell because I needed you to be safe.

I’m sorry that trying everything to save you from Lucifer and the tortures of your mind was a waste of time.

I’m sorry that I’ve been trapped in purgatory screaming your name, hoping for you, like I did in hell.

I’m sorry I got out.

I’m sorry, so sorry that I tried so hard to be the one to do the trials, only to watch you sacrificed yourself.

I’m sorry for baring my soul to you in that church, for giving it to you raw and fearful. For holding you and never let you go.

 

I hurt Sam, I ache. When did you start seeing me as your jail instead of your brother? When did you start wanting death more than wanting to stay with me?

I’ve been alone before and in the end, I know I’ll die alone. But for you to think that I saved you only because I didn’t want to be alone?

My heart is breaking and I can’t breathe. My body is cold and crying _hurts._

Everything hurts.

I just can’t live in a world without you, I told you that. Should I scream it? Tell me what should I do?

I cannot live with you dead. I really thought that a part of you wanted to live. And you still made that choice in the end.

But I can see now how you resent it. Resent me.

Should I bleed? Should I kill myself?

What is gonna take? A new death? A new murder?

Make it stop, take those words back, I don’t deserve them. I only tried to save you, and I did, like I always did since I was four. Don’t hate me for being me, don’t hate me period.

Please… please.

Stop the pain you’ve caused, take everything you need, my back, my shoulders, my heart. Take whatever you want but please…

Don’t make me believe you hate me. Don’t make me believe you would rather be alone that with me.

Where did I screw up? I tried so hard.

I’ll beg if you like. I will fight and I will bleed

I will lay down my life, if that’s what you need.

But please, let me protect yours no matter what. No matter who.

I’m sorry.

 

* * *

 

_Your hatred feels familiar. Is it my home? My perfect place?_

_In this damned world I saved, I walk alone. Tell me brother,_

_How does it feel to hurt the one who hurt you?_

_To wish for salvation and watching me keeping it from you?_

_If Shame had a face it would be mine._

_But if it had a home it would be your eyes._

 


	2. Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

 

**SAM**

* * *

 

_You can be so easy to trust, brother._

_Almost as much as you can be easy to hurt._

_You’re breakable, beat down, all used up._

_My own perfect reflection._

_But I cannot bear it any longer._

_It’s a vision, my last hour._

_You should have seen it and give me what I want._

_I pray for Death and I saw you_

_Oh brother where were you?_

_¤  
_

You can make it so hard to love you Dean. So Goddamn hard. I tried so hard to be the family you desperately wanted me to be. I tried so hard to be here, always here, permanent, faithful, unbreakable under the weight of our names, our family’s mission, our fucking grief and fucking pain.

I tried so hard to be what a Winchester must be. To do what your brother was supposed to do.

But I’m tired. I’m so tired.

You never asked me my age.

I spent a century in that cage. He did… horrible things to me. And _I know_ of them.

How old do you think I am, Dean?

I feel like an old man. An old man with too many mistakes to repair. And _I’m tired_ of trying to repair them.

I’m tired of always fucking up. I’m tired of your anger and then your pain. And I’m tired of your forgiveness.

I saved this world once. Doesn’t that mean that I can _rest?_

What is it that you’re so afraid of Dean? How come being alone is so unbearable for you? Everyone is alone. A little or too much, everyone is alone.

I cannot be your soul, your breath, your heart and your peace. I cannot be your courage, your motivation and your tiredness,

I cannot be your life, Dean.

Get me out of you, out of your sight, out of your mind, out of your soul.

I feel like poison, a disease that infested you, leaving you incapacitate to want anything more than me, me always with you.

Thing is, I don’t want that, I want to rest, I want peace, I want to scream in an empty corn field with only the stars to witness it, I want to cry and cry and never stop, and see how long my eyes can take it, I want heaven and never coming back, I want the end, the true one, with the back cover slamming on the last page.

God, don’t I deserve it? How long do you expect me to keep going when I _ache_ to give in?

Can’t you see I’m tired?

Oh, but you saw.

You saw and you forced me into my painful body, once again.

Why? Why!

You need to let me go. Let me go, let me breathe, _let me out!_

Dean… I didn’t want to hurt you.

But you make me feel like there isn’t any other choice for me to make you understand.

What you did was wrong. Your choice cost us lives. You had no right.

It was my choice. My life. My death.

I need you to see that.

And if I have to hurt you, I’ll do it. Make no mistake; you took what I really didn’t want to give, regardless of what I wanted because of something you needed.

You claimed yourself as the protector of my life, my heart and my soul. But when push came to shove you acted on your own violation as if I hadn’t have a say in what would happened to _my life, my heart and my soul!_

I don’t belong to you. I belong to no one. You need to accept that. And no matter what, I’m gonna make you see that.

If don’t let me go, I’ll learn how to hurt you without hurting myself, I swear to God.

 

* * *

 

 

_Bite your tongue,_

_Swallow your bitter words._

_Eat your own heart if you can hear the truth._

_Stomp on your pride, for you, I will not lie_

_If Shame had a face it would be yours._

_And if it had a home, it would be my eyes._

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
